Thursday, October 14, 2010

This CAN'T be right

There are now three drafts waiting in my blog listing. Oh, help me not have this be the fourth.

Existential, um, uncertainty has dropped by. I don't welcome any univited visitors. Imagine how I feel about this.

There you are, head under the shower, and you realize you've just asked yourself if your life counts for anything. Rather than having become an expert at anything, you are a generalist and they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. In retrospect, all you can see, through tears and pelting water, are bad choices. Yet instead of the sense of defeat which comes from depression, someone is saying things like, "Oh yeah?" I don't want to jinx this, but it may be that angst is becoming more bark than bite. How sweet would that be?

This is not a state which normally causes mobilization, but I feel more like James Cagney than Poor Pitiful Pearl. I'd happily shove a grapefruit in the face of whoever wants to stand around wringing their hands when there is no actual external cause for gloom. I can manufacture doubt and then leave it in my own lap...here, clean this up.

I can't bear the thought of another unposted draft. I won't pretend that this represents a complete thought. We have the capacity to be our own greatest champions and the bullies who torment us. In this vast epic we play every part. If we feel some version of crazy - no wonder. We aren't. A part of us is unwilling to say out loud that the pieces don't match, the rules are contrary and inconsistent and pretty much nothing makes sense. And a cheerful voice, not too far away, is saying, "Yes. Now you understand."

7 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

These "Prufrok" moments happen to all sensitive people. Fight on ...

Marylinn Kelly said...

Laoch - You are a treasure. Thank you. Yes, this is a two-fisted business.

Artist and Geek said...

I will comment. Hang in there.

RachelVB said...

I have two drafts hanging around from days of doubt. I haven't really looked at them. But everything I've been doing since has moved me forward and thank you for that because mainly your words have always been at my back.
Showers are great places to cry and release things. You can watch it all go down the drain and send it on its way.
Here's some electronic money ($$$$$$$$$$$$) Should be enough to send your doubt out for ice cream - for at least a few days. =)
xo
rachel

Marylinn Kelly said...

Artist and Geek - Come back any time. We'll be here.

Rachel - Thank you... the thought of my words at your back will carry through this and, most likely, other days. And hey, the electronic $$$$$, extended in an imitation of generosity to Doubt, have sent the wretched pismire out with dreams of ice cream AND Starbucks salted caramel hot chocolate, little piggy. Don't hurry back. Much appreciated. And...I don't think I will revisit my drafts...I will consider them pencil sharpening.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I have maybe two dozen unposted drafts waiting for me to either fix them or delete them. I don't know why or how I think of a work as good enough to publish, I am sure most of my readers are not nearly as critical of my work than I. It's a lot of work, this blogging business.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Robert - It IS a lot of work when taken at all seriously, as it is with you and, whether it shows or not, with me. The only gauge I can identify is when a piece seems to go "clunk," feels to me heavy-handed, just too-too. But it usually takes a while before I'm willing to delete them, hoping I may have overlooked something worth saving. Mostly not.