Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas

I had compiled a list of reasons for having the blues on December 23. For about 10 minutes they seemed to matter, then their smallness betrayed them.

Imperfection, disappointment, discomfort, uncertainty. Please. Is this the best you can do?

It is just another (what we like to call) Thursday on planet Earth, heading into the unknowability of tomorrow. That it is now less than two days until Christmas lets me try and give additional weight to mood shifts of unknown origin.

If possible, I will find a cure for my amnesia by morning. If I don't find one, I'll pretend I did. I am most unhappy when I forget all the things for which I am grateful, all the ways in which my life is abundant.

Growing older is a gift. Maturing past the point of Christmas magic is more than some are allotted. I am not confused. But I drift off course at times, take a wrong turn and find myself waiting behind the bedroom door with my baby sister, tying my bathrobe sash again and listening for the voice that says, "Okay, kids. Come on out." Merry Christmas Mike, Laurie, Barbara and Russ. I have no cause to be blue.

25 comments:

Angella Lister said...

Beautiful. This has it's own magic, so perhaps you haven't really left that behind. I hope your day is whatever you wish. Merry, Happy, all that.

Kass said...

Having the blues is part of Christmas. Just ask Elvis.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Angella - Thank you, and wishes for a day that gladdens your heart, too. While the same excitement isn't here in the present, I can feel exactly what it was like then, which is a gift, isn't it? Merry Christmas.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Kass - It always seems to come back to balance...not denying the lower moments, yet not letting them lead the parade. The turbulent sea of Christmas. xo

Laoch of Chicago said...

Good wishes and small bits of candy to you.

Elisabeth said...

Christmas is often strangely disappointing however much we wish each other well at the time, as I do for you now. Often the build up is better than the event or vice versa.

Best wishes for this season, Maryinn.

susan t. landry said...

i like this post marylinn, it expresses all the ambivalence--and hope, and longing, in a grown-up's voice--that a lot of us feel.
enjoy the day as it comes.
cheers to you!
susan

Radish King said...

I have never lost that childlike excitement even though every year I am disappointed by it. In the long run the hope outweighs the disappointment. I freely admit that I will await the clatter of hooves on my little roof.
love,
Rebecca

Marylinn Kelly said...

Laoch - And the very same to you, along with weather - we can hope - that leaves choices about being inside or out. Wishing you a fine day.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Elisabeth - I wish you Christmas cheer and a happy Boxing Day. I think holidays and milestones bring up strong feelings, some of which we'd prefer to ignore, but by surrendering to them, happy or otherwise, we regain our footing. Such complex bundles of nerves and stored responses...how remarkable we are that we get it right at least some of the time. My very best to you, Elisabeth, and appreciation for our finding each other here.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Susan - Thank you and great good cheer to you also. Today already has its breathless moments...wonder may still arrive in surprising form. And why not? Merry Christmas. I am so happy that you stop here.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Rebecca - It feels like a covenant, the preservation of our child heart, no matter what. I know that magic is always ruffling your hair, leaving gifts and signs in your path. That you may not hear the hooves does not mean they aren't there. When I let go of trying to dictate the shape of miracles, they are free once more to surprise me. Wishing you all that is wondrous. xo

Claire Beynon said...

Dear Marylinn - I've been reflecting on 're-' words these past few days. . . Christmas is probably what's brought this on. So much of the experience is paradoxical in timbre and texture; we revisit, retrieve, remember, refrain, relapse, recover, resist, restore, reduce, refine. . . and so on and so on. I suppose it's not surprising we should find ourselves feeling a little perplexed? Blue is one part of the whole fandango. (And no rainbow is complete without all the colours?).

It is a daily surprise, wonder and joy that we've all met out here. . . Have a happy and blessed Christmas.L, C xo

Marylinn Kelly said...

Claire - The "re" words echo around here, too. Redeemed, released. A week of planetary reminders, how vast it all is. Perplexed does not seem inappropriate.

That we have all met here tells me there is so much we don't know, we continue to act on trust. Blessings to you. xo

Laoch of Chicago said...

Wishing you a little magic this holiday season.

Robert the Skeptic said...

We are fortunate to have grand children who manage to infuse a tremendous amount of holiday spirit into our home and lives. We are blessed.

Artist and Geek said...

Always wondered why they call it the "blues". Blue, the color of oceans and sky, cerulean, lapis, ultramarine....
Without offending any geologists, I thought the "greys" would be more appropriate.
As to small things to be grateful for; in gratitude for new toys aka gift wrapping ribbon, cat brought me one sock. Chased and hunted it herself. Best gift ever :)

Hope you had a merry Christmas

Artist and Geek said...

Forgot to share, but can't post links.

YouTube: "Singing Sewermen" and "My blackberry is not working". Enjoy!

Kerry O'Gorman said...

Christmas is like a wedding...all that hoopla, sweat and tears for ONE day...now it's time to take a deep breath because it's all starting to fade away...the days, (believe it or not!)are getting longer! So glad you have welcomed Frode into your home...hope he brings some smiles to your world...Cheers!

Marylinn Kelly said...

Laoch - I happily give your wish credit for a most peaceful and, yes, magical holiday time...friends heard from, intuitive gifts, being able to bail out my amazon shopping cart. I am a lucky girl. Thank you. I hope magic found/finds you as well.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Robert - You are all blessed, for I remember being on the grandchild side of that equation...the richness of three generations. I hope it was the best of days. Did the train get set up?

Marylinn Kelly said...

Artist and Geek - I have never traced the word back to find out why they are "the blues," rather than, as you say, something gloomy and dank. More homework.

Your gift of one sock has me smiling, also seeing it being stalked and captured, which I trust made for a happy holiday. It was a fine day - a few twitches yesterday because, after all, I'm still me - and today, peace once again. I'll check into the links and thank you.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Kerry - Frode has already brought smiles and, I'm sure, a considerable dose of magic. Your felting work is delightful, even more so in person than in your appealing photos.

From my south-facing bedroom window, I can watch the sun as it moves back up the horizon. Longer days are on their way. Happy New Year.

Robert the Skeptic said...

The Lionel train did indeed get set up and all the grandkids took turns a the throttle... including the youngest engineer of the lot, "Casey" Mercer (not yet age 2) who managed not a single derailment.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Robert - Thank you for that happy report.