Some years ago I explained to a therapist that I was Sisyphus AND I was the rock. Instead of being the conversational cherry bomb that knocked some debris out the way, it sat there, unexplored. One of the remembered and forgotten moments when I was sure I was talking in tongues.
Awareness is the telemarketer who keeps dialing your number until you answer. Assuming, as with the Sisyphus/rock realization, that we are always all the performers, props, scripts and directors in our own dramas, I suppose I ought to take heart that any portion of my self is paying attention. It wishes to be heard and it is relentlessly patient.
Knowing, then admitting, that each aspect of my struggle, as well as longed-for redemption, is my responsibility is wearying. I would rather be writing about something color-drenched or lilting but fancy footwork takes energy I don't have. My wiser self, once soft-spoken and hesitant, or so I imagine, has become insistent. I see it watching the clock, urging me to a quicker response than I would come to on my own. It has at its disposal the pointy stick of, oh, physical discomfort, insomnia, anxiety, the sense of everything being off.
More than 25 years ago, having arrived at the amends portion of a 12-step program, I stepped out of my car at a farmer's market one Saturday to see the person whose name was at the top of my list. I tried to turn around, muttering, "you can't mean me, you can't mean now." Turning back was not an option. Now it seems, and perhaps I should say at last, putting right the wrongs against myself is not a choice, unless I am willing to let the increasingly intolerable symptoms of torpor dismantle and maim me.
As to the next step, the next, often-described, indicated thing, I am uncertain. To write this may be a preamble to larger heroic acts. I don't feel heroic today; I barely feel present. Such a capacity for generating interior fog will likely not make any list of personality strengths. I do, though, believe a crisis comes when we are equal to the challenge, however inadequate we feel. Time to answer the phone.