Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday wonderings



In her comment to the previous post, Denise saw our blog-writing brethren mirroring Quixote, donkeys as transport, windmills awaiting. As I read her words and composed my reply, I wished one of two things: that I was always courageous or that I had a true notion of what courage I possess and could feel sufficient with that.

As my thoughts ramble and weave during the day, it can seem as though the number of things which I need to learn and to unlearn are not equal; by far the weightier assignment is the undoing of false notions and distorted images.

Balance-seeking may well burn up energies that could be used more productively. But it is who I am and not likely to change. We have our priorities, which seem to have chosen us and not the reverse. If there are assigned parts in this cosmic drama, I am well to the back, stage left, thankfully not blindfolded, like justice, but wobbling as I try to make it all come out even. Which means, when the juggling doesn't get the job done, one must begin the mental weighing. How do we find light to equal the dark, identify gifts received that are comparable to the losses. Can we find a way to see what we have as enough without telling ourselves lies?

I am fortunate in this moment for these questions relate to my own internal process and are not asked because I have enormous, exterior world matters to try and resolve. But even they demand attention, without which I will sink beneath misinterpretation, assuming my less-appealing qualities are the real and only ones.

My family tree produced the stoic and reliable, as well as the twitchy and fragile. Who would have guessed the jumpy genes were dominant? Which causes me to wonder how much uncertainty swirled beneath those seemingly firm exteriors. Perhaps we are all committed to the unending work of steadying the rocking boats of self; some with more bravado than others.

8 comments:

Jayne said...

Marylinn- steadying the rocking boat... I think we're all searching the horizon for steady waters, a friendly port, and place where we are truly at home. I think balance, though, is illusive and elusive. I'm forever tilting one way or another, so much so that I can barely lower the anchor. (Or raise it when I want to!) Perhaps we were meant to rock?

Marylinn Kelly said...

Jayne - I know it is a mistake to assume that what we see on the outside is a true reflection of what others experience on the inside. Wobbling is part of the human condition, at least my version of it, and it may just be the phase of the moon or the intensity of solar flares but I wish, today, I could find a way to be more grateful for the rocking boat. It is, I know, better than no boat at all.

susan t. landry said...

i like jayne's solution: we were meant to rock. that's it...
really: thank about how soothing a rocking chair is, a hammock. maybe we just need to do that occasionally, chill out in a rocking chair, to reset the internal calibration.
yours in empathy, and occasional wobbliness,
susan

Marylinn Kelly said...

Susan - A wise pattern emerges - rocking may not be the devil's pocket square that I think it is. And this is exactly why voices from other quarters mean so much...left here to my own devices, well, you see what happens. xo

Antares Cryptos said...

Sometimes one has to row against the current, other times just enjoy the ride. Difficult to tell the difference at times.

Angella Lister said...

"Perhaps we are all committed to the unending work of steadying the rocking boats of self; some with more bravado than others."

I think this is what we all have in common somehow. It is the thing we all understand.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Antares Cryptos - I guess if we keep our life jackets on, it doesn't matter as much which we get. The words "flotation device" may be a prompt for something...to soon to know what. =^..^=

Marylinn Kelly said...

Angella - The ongoing wish to learn the art of surrendering to what cannot be controlled...sometimes I forget that it is even a goal...and the desire to be seen as steady, balanced, while not always clear about why it matters. Advice received this morning: make no decisions in times of stress. That could apply to blog posts as well. xo