Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Deservingness


We each, I suspect, have familiar inner bullies, personal quicksand, toxic enemies that sap our will and brave attempts at self esteem. In the past few days, my adversary was unmasked: the sense of not deserving (pick a word) happiness, comfort, joy, convenience or the peace that comes from order.

The circumstance that illuminated this ancient belief was the offer of a gift, something generous, unexpected, by my definition extravagant yet wanted but I found I was unable or unwilling to say, simply, yes. Thank you. It became another round of demon rassling, with the difference being this time I could look the demon in the eye and begin to wonder if it was as powerful as I'd once thought.

At any moment, I have a mental dossier of my shortcomings, evidence, that stretches back practically to quill pens. It certainly pre-dates electric typewriters and the Thermofax. No pages have been misplaced, and if they were, I'm sure there are carbon copies, smudged but legible. A part of me has clung stubbornly to the fiction of lives perfectly led - by others. It is a belief that keeps me tethered and dense, Earth-bound rather than lifting with no small grace like a wired actor in Chinese martial arts movies, Jackie Chan excepted. To soar means escaping our own gravity, those pockets full of rocks and rigid ways of relating to our souls.

I am fortunate to have the counsel, when I need it, of my son, who brings youth and, I can but hope, less baggage to a situation than I. I told him of the offer, I told him of my resistance. He found the right words: you work hard, you deserve it. To my eyes this hard work looks an awful lot like avoidance, farting around, procrastination and sloth. He helped me own that there IS hard work in the process of simply living with some measure of joy, of aspiring to evolve, of reaching out, of stillness and contemplation, of being present. He helped me say yes.

By saying yes, thank you, to the gift, I noticed that certain narrow thinking had widened. I have struggled with disorder much of my adult life. It may have begun as I spent too long in situations which felt helpless and helplessnss has clung to me though the circumstances changed. It doesn't seem as important to know those details as it does to acknowledge that impossible-seeming things became less so. I could envision a gradual step-by-step process to finding order, letting go of things and mistaken beliefs with one gesture. I could feel peace inching toward me, settling in, becoming real.

Whoever does not see life as a process is not paying attention. Sometimes the increments are so slight as to be nearly undetectable. Nearly. Then we turn and look over our shoulders at the discernible signs indicating something permanent has begun to shift. Contrary to all our assumptions, we are becoming.

20 comments:

Jayne said...

"He helped me own that there IS hard work in the process of simply living with some measure of joy, of aspiring to evolve, of reaching out, of stillness and contemplation, of being present." Sometimes, it takes the words of our children (no matter how young or old they might be) to remind us that we are worthy.

Becoming includes farting around and procrastination. Our subconscious is potent, and it works at great speed during those sloth-like moments. (At least I like to think so.)

Kudos to you, Marylinn, for saying YES! to the gift. Long may you enjoy it. :)

JeannetteLS said...

I'm not sure whether this is true for you--it is easier to be the one who gives than the one who receives. One of my friends once said, "Where do you get off being the only one who gets the fun of giving, of helping?"

That startled me. I think it is related. Anyway, your entry made me think of that. Marylinn, how true. Becoming...

I think if we stop recognizing life as this process of becoming that stretches our whole lives, we become prematurely dead somewhere or other. Enjoy your gift, even if, at first, it feels like work.

Secret: don't tell anyone. It gets EASIER to revel in the fun and the gratitude as you go along. You may actually occasionally entertain the notion that, yes, you DID and DO deserve it.

Melissa Green said...

Yes, Marylinn, not feeling worthy is one of the bigger rocks in our pockets, the thing that keeps us Earth-bound, feeling every ounce of our gravity, keeping us from the grace of a lightness of spirit, a freeness of soul. It isn't always easy to detect in ourselves when the penny drops and we see that we are worthy, we do work hard, we are grateful and full of joy just for being. Life is not all about doing and slogging; it is about becoming, daydreaming, reverie--as Jayne so wisely says, it is in those times when we are apparently 'doing nothing' that our mind and heart go at warp speed toward the next thing. It is wonderful when a person realizes that 'deservingness', though a boulder around our necks for a lifetime, has fallen away when we weren't looking, and we are now sweetly able to say 'yes', not just to life, but to becoming, and accepting, and knowing worthiness truly as a wonderful lightness of spirit. Can order be far behind? xo

Penelope said...

I copied a line from your posting to paste here and see that Jayne has already done so. Yes! And good on you for saying Yes. The receiver gives; the giver receives . .

Rubye Jack said...

I've been offered gifts before and always felt the need to squirm away from them. However, this last week I was offered gifts by two separate persons and found myself saying it is okay to accept what is offered, when ordinarily I would have declined. In so doing, I've felt I suppose rejuvenated toward life and the knowledge that there are many good people and people who are doing their best to act, or be, good. By accepting gifts I've come to begin thinking that there is some sort of essence that binds us together when we are able to take, and thus, give.

It's so interesting how your post is right "on time" with where I am today.

BragonDorn said...

Very inspiring words. I hope everyone is living life fully :)

Erin in Morro Bay said...

Margot taught me that being a "gracious receiver" is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and for the giver. Be it compliments or offers of things and/or opportunities. Over the years I've found she's right - think of the joy you gave the person who offered you this wonderful gift,
Erin

susan t. landry said...

gift giving and receiving are such complex actions with complicated emotions fluttering about like so many uncooperative ribbons.
these days, it's gotten much simpler for me. as i age and become more aware that, really, i am not such an outsider as i once supposed, i go by what brings me pleasure. i would far rather give than receive; and -- cartoon light bulb shining overhead--i assume those giving to me feel the same way.

Sherry O'Keefe said...

i would think if i were to say yes to some sort of gift or kind gesture that i'd get soft and not be able to pull myself back up by my boot straps the next time. better, to not say yes, i'd think. but then enough of life kept happening and the lesson of learning to receive kept offering itself to me: i remember the first time i said yes- it was to a city (NYC). and i learned it didn't make me soft by saying yes. i still have my boot straps and they still work when i need them.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Jayne - Thank you, and yes, yes, the wisdom of our children. Gratitude for the fact that seeming liabilities like procrastination and farting around may be assets in disguise. The mind DOES need quiet to work things out. :)

Marylinn Kelly said...

Jeanette - Thank you. It is an exercise, letting in the good, and the muscles seem resistant at first. And it does become easier. The process is, or so one hopes, life-long, the business of becoming. We really are all so connected.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Melissa - The marvelous way in which one event leads to another, in which opening the mind and heart to all the good that surrounds us somehow opens further doors, to long-held wishes and possibilities. What a surprising journey. xo

Marylinn Kelly said...

Penelope - Our interdependent web, trading roles, learning to be flexible, give and receive. Yes has been a very wise decision. And fun. xo

Marylinn Kelly said...

Rubye - I'm glad our thoughts were traveling along the same path. We are, indeed, bound together and the greater ease - with self - we can bring to these meetings, the more we learn about balance, about growing and becoming. I'm happy to hear that you, too, said yes.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Bragon - Thank you. Thank you for visiting and commenting. I, too, hope we are all living fully and joyfully. :)

Marylinn Kelly said...

Erin - I am happy being a student, for life continues to hold many lessons. It is such a process of giving and receiving and learning to be gracious at both. Margot's wisdom is so true here. Happiness on both sides of the equation. xo

Marylinn Kelly said...

Susan - I've always felt that the world had set itself the task of turning my stiff and resistant self into something pliant that could be, possibly, shaped into another form. Learning to allow happiness, goodness and to delight in the process tells me I have come some distance. For me, accepting that what I bring when I am the giver is going to be enough...still working on that. xo

Marylinn Kelly said...

Sherry - Such a wonder, the way life does keep happening, how opportunities to learn keep knocking. I'm glad your bootstraps are still where they need to be and I'd have been shocked to find out otherwise. There are times when 'yes' is the only answer. xo

Kathleen said...

You seem very wise and patient to me. I love this post AND the little teapot.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Kathleen - Thank you...I have learned something about patience over my years...everything takes as long as it takes. :)