From Thursday, May 9
One likes to think of being valiant, at least capable. Circumstances do not always allow for that. When we moved to our comfortable apartment home in this building with these stairs, I could manage them, carrying groceries, taking out trash, doing laundry. Then I managed them less well, possibly due to side effects of an otherwise did-just-what-it-was-supposed-to statin medication, side effects to which I didn't make the drug connection as they were of slow onset. I thought it was just me, becoming more, as I experienced it, enfeebled. Getting along the walkway, down the stairs, across the courtyard, down more stairs, to the car, and then back home to do it all going the other direction was, to say the least, daunting. I discontinued the medication and began a plan of quieting my jittery mind, strengthening my weakened muscles and seeing what could be done. I had a target date, today, for an appointment and knew, halfway along the balcony walk, that I still had work to do. I don't know if the photo tells you clearly how perilous the stairs are and how one needs to be in their best form for either direction, especially up.
After calling to cancel today's appointment, which was last-minute and not at all how I like to conduct myself, I went back outside to practice and identify the areas of greatest need. At first I felt grateful that some inner wisdom told me what my choice needed to be. Now, a few hours later, the stronger feeling is of not measuring up, not being able to do it as well as I wanted.
This is such a tricky, complex business, being human. My unwritten manifesto holds many of my beliefs: that no one other than me is responsible for my happiness, that the high road is never a wrong choice, that things DO work out and I'm still here, that magic is real and is always, always calling to us, reminding, reclaiming, recruiting. While that goes on, will you picture my feet and knees reaching new heights, my endurance increasing, my strength restored? That is magic enough for now.