|Kara Howard as Suzy Bishop in Wes Anderson's MOONRISE KINGDOM.|
Self-awareness, a actual knowing-without-prejudice of one's true self, is about as predictable as being able to say how many jelly beans are in the jar for the candy store contest. Early models of chronic parental disappointment tend to set us up for continuing that low-hearted feeling when no one else is around to berate us. Maybe I've had this thought before, maybe it comes fresh today, an ingenue of an image, optimistic and full of unconsidered possibility: How can we be doing it wrong when there is no way to know the full measure of the assignment?
I believe we each have an assignment, which you have likely read here many times before. I trust that with each go-round of me as I have thought me to be versus a me that is more accepting, more forgiving, less invested in how most of what I am doesn't match anything known or seen in the neighborhood, that I get closer to a true center. That the process seems to require repeating over and over, but as a spiral not a circle, accounts for fatigue, occasional disbelief and the need to rest, frequently. I am unable to stop asking questions. I long for instruments, calibrations, that would help my study; all I have is intuition. There is no proof. For today, all evidence to the contrary, I will allow that I am fulfilling my destiny, bringing my unique gifts as was intended, being. This is not an easy world in which to claim simply being as an occupation. Being, and being Suzy Bishop.